Today, I’m using this blog as a journal. You might not care about my problems and you’re thinking “Rachel, for God’s sake, just talk about books dammit.” but today I don’t feel like talking about books. I don’t even really feel like reading books.
So, little background, I graduated from college in December and moved across the country from North Carolina to Colorado with my husband at the end of January. He had a job and I didn’t, but I figured I had a college degree – job hunting would be the easy part. I was wrong.
Now, here I sit, almost two months later and I’m still unemployed with literally no job prospects. (BTW I’m in the Journalism field) The rejection emails are piling up and I’m regretting every one of the decisions I’ve ever made. It’s not like I’m desperate for money, my husband makes enough to pay the bills at his job. But I’m the one with the college degree. My husband is a plumber. I thought that I would get to be the breadwinner. I have a lot of job experience and worked my ass off to get through college with a 4.0 GPA. Why have I had such a hard time finding something? Maybe it’s because I didn’t do a real internship or because my only writing experience is for small-town newspapers.
Or, maybe it’s because I’m one of those “entitled millennials” who think they deserve to be handed jobs. I don’t think I’m entitled, but I sure did think it would be a little easier to get hired. I am tired, sad, a little depressed even. But, mostly I feel like a failure. I was at the top of my class, head of the university newspaper, organizer of several groups. I worked a full time “big girl” job all through college where I made double what all my other classmates made at their part-time jobs. I made contacts, I rubbed elbows with the powerful people at my school and my community, hoping that once I graduated they would have my back. I risked my marriage, my social life, I lost friends and gave up life experiences just so I could be the best and make sure I was a desirable job candidate.
I mean I can’t even get a minimum wage job. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’m overqualified for McDonalds, Barns and Noble, and Starbucks. But I’m underqualified for all of the jobs I really want- even the most basic entry-level positions.
To be honest, I feel like a failure. I’m tired of applying to hundreds of jobs just to receive that “Dear Rachel, thank you for applying for such and such position, but we’ve decided to go in another direction…” email over and over again. I feel like I failed my professors, who groomed me and set me loose in the world, expecting great things, and in reality I sit in bed all day, wearing sweatpants and playing video games while my amazing husband sifts through other people’s poop. I feel like a failure to my family, who supported me through school and watched me confidently move across the country only to fall on my butt when I got here. I feel like a failure to my husband, who works 70 hour weeks to provide for me, while I can’t even get a part-time job to help him.
I’m also afraid. I’m afraid that I will forget how to write. Or that I’ll get stuck being someone’s assistant for 10 years. I’m terrified that I’ll wake up in 15 years and realize that I never got to follow my dreams.
Why is it so hard being a human in this day and age? Maybe it’s just being a Millenial and being told my entire life that I had to go to college to succeed, while it’s the trade jobs like electricians, plumbers, carpenters, that are the real needed professions in our world. I’m incredibly lucky that I got to go to school, and for free because of a full scholarship, but I have been rethinking my choices. Maybe I should have just not gone to school. Or mabye majored in a more hireable position like business or accounting. Writers aren’t necessary and there are more than enough struggling journalists without me in the mix. I guess maybe I thought I was different. I would be the successful one. I would show everyone that a Millennial can do it right out of school. I kind of feel like screaming and punching the wall for how stupid I was. What made me so different than everyone else my age? Why did I think I was special? Am I just that narcissistic? Or just too optimistic?
So, that’s my little journal entry for today. Sorry if it isn’t the usual bookish talk, but I needed to vent to someone who isn’t my mother.
P.S. while I was writing this blog post I got an email from a company I recently applied to and they want to do a preliminary phone interview on Monday at 11:00am MST. This job was quite literally made for me. I know some of the people that work there and it’s a job where I would get to use my work experience as well as gain experience writing. It is the most perfect position. If I had asked someone that knows me well to craft the perfect job for me right now in my life, this job would be it. So please, prayers, thoughts, or anything else that you do would be appreciated on Monday. I love you all. Thank you for everything ❤